Thursday, July 21, 2022
just another day
Today is just another day. My husband, if you can call him that, is being a prick. Telling me to shut up and that I annoy him.. I mean, really? WTF. He doesn't seem to realize that he to is annoying. I thought we could work this out but I'm realizing more and more that we can't. To much has been said and done between us. I hate him.
Tuesday, April 26, 2022
Feeling old and ugly
I'm really feeling old and ugly all of a sudden. It's not fair. Men get better looking but ladies just get ugly. WHY?
overwhelmed and tired
Well, I am finally coming to terms that my marriage is over and my life has really taken a turn for the worse. I thought I could get past his cheating this time like I always have, but I couldn't. I'm still so fucking angry over it. I mean, he was trying to fucking marry this bitch. And then there is the fact that he told me I wasn't his soul mate. That crushed me. Plus, I am embarrassed still because he told our friends and family that he finally found the one.. It was humiliating. Plus, he stole my things and gave her as presents. Now here is the real gut puncher, he didn't even fuck her!!!! WOW!!! I was so devastated and hurt. I know I need to find a way to move on and let go so I can heal but it's a lot easier said than done.
Saturday, May 2, 2020
Continued from the last
Letś see, Where was I... Oh yeah, I had just found out that Joe was cheating again. Let me say if I haven already, that I thought our marriage was going really great. It was to me, or so I thought the best it has ever been. I know that this may sound stupid to some because he has always cheated before, in fact , so many times that I honestly lost count. It was all the same. I would find out, then I would cry and threaten to leave then he would beg me to stay. But this time was different.
I always knew that I had a fucked up crazy marriage. I just accepted it for what it was, but I never doubted that when it came down to it that we would always have each others back. Without a doubt, but not this time. This time was different. his betrayal ran much deeper than his usual. For the first time in my life I realized that I was truly alone. As his affair came to light I was honestly devastated. Earth shattering crying my soul out devastated. As I read their messages and learned how he made fun of me, even stole some of my things and gave her gifts. He copied my text between him and I and showed them to her, but even through all that he physically assaulted me and flat walked out on me without even looking back. I was shocked. I couldnt breathe, I was hurt, angry and humiliated. He took photos of them together and showed them to our family and friends stating how he finally had found true love.. I was lost. To say the least.
I ended up going out to their job and fighting her and yes, I know, violence is never the answer, but god damn it I was mad. Needless to say that I got banned from Wal-mart for life and I now face assualt and battery charges but It was worth it to me. I tried to move on I had no money, no car, no where to stay and everywhere I went was a reminder that he flat out left me and didnt give a shit about me. All those years I had forgiven him for all his faults and his reason was that he just didnt love me anymore and wasnt happy. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
It went on for like that for a couple of months then one night I got a call on messenger and then everything was suddenly different. The skank whore was also married and it was her husband that was calling me... He had just found out about his wifes affair and of course I held nothing back. I felt sorry for him but I was enjoying it as well. Two days later she dropped my husband like a hot rock and hasnt made contact since... The after math is where im at now and I will tell more later... I gotta take a shower... See yall later
I always knew that I had a fucked up crazy marriage. I just accepted it for what it was, but I never doubted that when it came down to it that we would always have each others back. Without a doubt, but not this time. This time was different. his betrayal ran much deeper than his usual. For the first time in my life I realized that I was truly alone. As his affair came to light I was honestly devastated. Earth shattering crying my soul out devastated. As I read their messages and learned how he made fun of me, even stole some of my things and gave her gifts. He copied my text between him and I and showed them to her, but even through all that he physically assaulted me and flat walked out on me without even looking back. I was shocked. I couldnt breathe, I was hurt, angry and humiliated. He took photos of them together and showed them to our family and friends stating how he finally had found true love.. I was lost. To say the least.
I ended up going out to their job and fighting her and yes, I know, violence is never the answer, but god damn it I was mad. Needless to say that I got banned from Wal-mart for life and I now face assualt and battery charges but It was worth it to me. I tried to move on I had no money, no car, no where to stay and everywhere I went was a reminder that he flat out left me and didnt give a shit about me. All those years I had forgiven him for all his faults and his reason was that he just didnt love me anymore and wasnt happy. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
It went on for like that for a couple of months then one night I got a call on messenger and then everything was suddenly different. The skank whore was also married and it was her husband that was calling me... He had just found out about his wifes affair and of course I held nothing back. I felt sorry for him but I was enjoying it as well. Two days later she dropped my husband like a hot rock and hasnt made contact since... The after math is where im at now and I will tell more later... I gotta take a shower... See yall later
Friday, May 1, 2020
Falling apart
Itś me. some time has passed. A lot of time has passed actually. I will try to catch you up to speed. Since my last post I was ranting about how I was being treated as I was waiting to see my Dr. Those were the good days... hahaha. I can go to a Dr now because I don have health insurance and I sure as hell cannot afford one. Anyway, I live in Pryor, Ok now. My husband I found out was in an affair for a whole year without me knowing about it. If truth be told I thought our marriage was the best it has ever been. Talk about embarrassing. In order for me to get this all out I need to start at the beginning for anyone to understand. so, here it goes.
I was born into a white trash abusive family. It was my mom and dad and my two older sisters and my younger brother. My father was a very mean drunk. I mean he beat the shit out of our mom badly every night and forced her to have sex in front of us. One night he had beat her so bad he broke her arm and her two legs. She had to go to the hospital for a stay and we had to stay with our dad. And believe me, he did the same to my sisters and my brother. I cannot recall a time where he was like that to me. They say I was his favorite. Why? I dont know. It killed me inside watching what was happening to my sisters and brother it did. One night he sat my brother on top of the stove and lit it catching him on fire because he was trying to teach my brother how to dance like Elvis and my brother being like 5 or so wasnt cutting it.
The cops were called a lot, but back then domestic abuse was overlooked a lot. I can remember my moms face being bloody as hell and when the cops showed up they saw her and after they talked with my dad for a bit all they would say as they were leaving was to keep the noise down. I grew to hate my mom. I thought of her as weak and pathetic because she never left my dad. no matter how bad he hurt her or my sisters and brother, she never left.
I remember we were always dirty, always hungry, and sometimes going without a home. We slept in the park sometimes or we stayed with our aunt. My childhood was fucked up to put it midly. My mom was very fat and always with dirty clothes on and her hair was always oily. I remember her coming to the school to pick us up and I would tell the teacher that I didnt know who she was. I was embarrassed of her and I hated her for being like that.
Anyway, she finally did leave him, in fact both my parents left us. I was 13 at the time, my two older sisters was living with their boyfriends and my younger brother was still at home. Anyway we came home from school and they were gone. They seperated but each of them had just left. left us in a trailer with no food, no utilities, nothing. I dropped out of school and got a job at the Sonic in town. I lied to them and said I was 16. back then you only needed a social sucrity card to work. You didnt need a picture ID. My brother had moved in with a friend and his family. They were good to him. I was happy about that.
My oldest sister had already had two kids, babies that she left with their father Joe so she could go be with this other guy that she was in love with. Joe and the two babies were staying at the trailer with me. my dad would pop in ever so often. And here is where I made my fatal mistake, Joe was coming on to me and we ended up sleeping together. He became my husband and the father of my 4 kids. I didnt know any better. I was 13/14 at the time. what the hell did i know about relationships.
anywayit got really bad at the trailer so Joe, and I got the two babies and hitched it to where my mom was begging her to let us stay. she did. I was 15 by then fixing to turn 16 when I found out I was pregnant with our first son. The night I went into labor I went to find Joe and I saw him having sex with my mom. I just stood there, frozen. I couldnt move. In that instant I knew that as much as it killed me inside I wouldnt say anything to them. I was more terrified of being a single mom alone at my age than being hurt by what i was looking at. So I turned and walked away and went to the hosipital and Joe came later with my mom.
They didnt know that I knew for years, my mom still doesnt know I know. Needless to say my relationship with my mom never healed.
I went on to have 3 more kids by Joe. He never stopped the cheating. I dont know why I didnt leave as I got older. He slept with everyone I knew. Family, people that I thought were my friends, neighbors, everyone. Each time I would find out, I cried, swore to him that I was leaving and he would always beg me to stay and I did. I loved him so much. Or I thought I did. He always blamed his cheating on me. still does. He said that I wasnt good enough in bed or that I worked to much and was always gone and it made him lonely. It was always something, and always my fault.
all of our kids are grown now. Things had gotten bad for us financially, I was hooked on drugs really bad. So we moved to Pryor thinking that leaving everything behind we could start over. We were staying with Joes oldest daughter for a coulpe of years when Joe got a job at walmart. we finally got our own place. Things were going really good or so I thought until one night he accidently left his phone at home and it was getting a lot of texts. Thats when I found out he was cheating again. This time it was different though... I will tell you how it was different tomorrow... I feel as tho i have been typing forever right now... I will see yáll tomorrow.
I was born into a white trash abusive family. It was my mom and dad and my two older sisters and my younger brother. My father was a very mean drunk. I mean he beat the shit out of our mom badly every night and forced her to have sex in front of us. One night he had beat her so bad he broke her arm and her two legs. She had to go to the hospital for a stay and we had to stay with our dad. And believe me, he did the same to my sisters and my brother. I cannot recall a time where he was like that to me. They say I was his favorite. Why? I dont know. It killed me inside watching what was happening to my sisters and brother it did. One night he sat my brother on top of the stove and lit it catching him on fire because he was trying to teach my brother how to dance like Elvis and my brother being like 5 or so wasnt cutting it.
The cops were called a lot, but back then domestic abuse was overlooked a lot. I can remember my moms face being bloody as hell and when the cops showed up they saw her and after they talked with my dad for a bit all they would say as they were leaving was to keep the noise down. I grew to hate my mom. I thought of her as weak and pathetic because she never left my dad. no matter how bad he hurt her or my sisters and brother, she never left.
I remember we were always dirty, always hungry, and sometimes going without a home. We slept in the park sometimes or we stayed with our aunt. My childhood was fucked up to put it midly. My mom was very fat and always with dirty clothes on and her hair was always oily. I remember her coming to the school to pick us up and I would tell the teacher that I didnt know who she was. I was embarrassed of her and I hated her for being like that.
Anyway, she finally did leave him, in fact both my parents left us. I was 13 at the time, my two older sisters was living with their boyfriends and my younger brother was still at home. Anyway we came home from school and they were gone. They seperated but each of them had just left. left us in a trailer with no food, no utilities, nothing. I dropped out of school and got a job at the Sonic in town. I lied to them and said I was 16. back then you only needed a social sucrity card to work. You didnt need a picture ID. My brother had moved in with a friend and his family. They were good to him. I was happy about that.
My oldest sister had already had two kids, babies that she left with their father Joe so she could go be with this other guy that she was in love with. Joe and the two babies were staying at the trailer with me. my dad would pop in ever so often. And here is where I made my fatal mistake, Joe was coming on to me and we ended up sleeping together. He became my husband and the father of my 4 kids. I didnt know any better. I was 13/14 at the time. what the hell did i know about relationships.
anywayit got really bad at the trailer so Joe, and I got the two babies and hitched it to where my mom was begging her to let us stay. she did. I was 15 by then fixing to turn 16 when I found out I was pregnant with our first son. The night I went into labor I went to find Joe and I saw him having sex with my mom. I just stood there, frozen. I couldnt move. In that instant I knew that as much as it killed me inside I wouldnt say anything to them. I was more terrified of being a single mom alone at my age than being hurt by what i was looking at. So I turned and walked away and went to the hosipital and Joe came later with my mom.
They didnt know that I knew for years, my mom still doesnt know I know. Needless to say my relationship with my mom never healed.
I went on to have 3 more kids by Joe. He never stopped the cheating. I dont know why I didnt leave as I got older. He slept with everyone I knew. Family, people that I thought were my friends, neighbors, everyone. Each time I would find out, I cried, swore to him that I was leaving and he would always beg me to stay and I did. I loved him so much. Or I thought I did. He always blamed his cheating on me. still does. He said that I wasnt good enough in bed or that I worked to much and was always gone and it made him lonely. It was always something, and always my fault.
all of our kids are grown now. Things had gotten bad for us financially, I was hooked on drugs really bad. So we moved to Pryor thinking that leaving everything behind we could start over. We were staying with Joes oldest daughter for a coulpe of years when Joe got a job at walmart. we finally got our own place. Things were going really good or so I thought until one night he accidently left his phone at home and it was getting a lot of texts. Thats when I found out he was cheating again. This time it was different though... I will tell you how it was different tomorrow... I feel as tho i have been typing forever right now... I will see yáll tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Dr visits for the American addict
I have been a recovering addict for five years now, and no matter where you go or what you do or even what you have accomplished you will always be the drug addict. especially waiting to see your dr. it's a nightmare. I pray that these do gooders are not treated the way we are. I don't know why they feel the need to treat us like they do.... who knows, maybe the world will one day change :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
School Life
I am forty years old trying to go back to school. I am going for my associates in applied science in Information Technology. I have to admit, it's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. right now I have a grade point average of 3.5 but now I am in introduction to databases and I find myself struggling. if I am being truethful, I would have to admit for the first time in my life I am terrified of failing. I think because I want this sooo much. anyway, it's late, and I'm tired so I am going to go to bed.
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